I'm gonna need some better bait, Kids...
Forest Gump's Momma always taught him , "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Although I personally like to remind myself, "Life is like a box of chocolates. Try not to eat them all at once, husky mcfatboy!", I'm totally on board with Momma Gump and feel her adage also applies to riding the Boston T. I want to be ready for all situations I encounter on the T, which is why I'm hoping PROJECT: Briles 200 helps me not only feel healthier, but look healthier too.
For those out of the know, the T is Boston's version of the subway. It goes below ground. It goes above ground. It's my main mode of transportation around the city. Most folks who ride it sit miserable and aloof, especially on those extra wintery mornings when a foot of snow is getting dropped on the city above. Having suffered the nightmare that is a Los Angeles driver's commute for almost 7 years, I can't sing the T's praises enough. Is it perfect?? Not even CLOSE. I'll take being hauled around the city while being able to read, chill with an iPod, or, perhaps... even write a blog post... on a less than perfect public transpo system over having to worry about insane traffic jams that form in every direction I try to turn, creating stress and road rage aplenty for me and my fellow road warriors, any day.
A good portion of T rides are pretty calm. Most people sit grumpily trying to avoid eye/verbal contact with anyone else and tactile contact with the hand rails that are there to help the standing passengers stay standing (Public transpo DOES tend to get a little germy). It's AMAZING people watching. Even on normal rides, it's fun to check out other passengers and try to figure out where they're coming from or going. If it's a good day, you'll get to watch the homeless guy using the hand rails as a pull up bar. Sometimes you get the crazy lady asking for donations to help get her cats back from the aliens that took them. It gets reallyinteresting when you get the street performers who hop aboard and put on a thoroughly entertaining show in a matter of minutes, dancing, running up the train walls, and doing back flips down the aisle... And while the performers are fun to watch, it's even more fun watching which passengers offer up a buck or two for tips and which shy away, frightened when approached by a performer and their tip-collecting hat and/or skull cap.
During a lull of these exciting times on the T, it can be fun to play a little innocent game I like to call, "OhHi Eyes" with young women (actually, now that I think of it, quite often it can be old women too). "OhHi Eyes" is when you get caught checking out a member of the opposite sex (or if you happen to swing the other way, same sex) or you catch someone checking you out, after which, a game of cat and mouse with each other's lines of sight ensues. The look that starts the game can be made with purpose or can be quite accidental. It only matters that two people catch each other's eyes at some point. For example, I take a break from my Metro newspaper, bringing my eyes right into the line of site of a young woman. I quickly look away, but then look back trying to see if maybe she was looking at me first. Meanwhile, she looks up and catches me again. Again, I look away, now wondering if she was looking to check out my studly self or if she was looking to make sure that I wasn't staring at her creepily like a possible sex offender. Generally, the game goes on until someone gets to their stop or one of you gets too creeped out/embarrassed to look again and then starts to pretend to read the local ads posted along the sides of the car walls... "Oh, yes... I WOULD love to learn Swahili. Or one of 40 other languages....".
I don't really know what the whole goal of "OhHi Eyes" is. I think it's just fun because so many people are TRYING to be so aloof, its kinda fun trying to give a little attention to and get a little from them. Also, I'm a bit of a spontaneous, impetuous guy with a decent romantic sense, so I kinda have this notion that maybe I'll meet someone on the T at some point. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, there is a little bit of a connection there, and the "OhHi Eyes" go back and forth in mutual agreement. As a single guy living in the big city, I'm still relearning the world of dating, approaching women, etc and am still confused about the rules of engagement while on public transportation. Is it creepy? All three of the female friends I have asked say, "Yes." I mean, why is it any different than approaching someone in a store or a Starbucks? If you're interested in someone, you should just go talk to them because you don't know if you'll ever see them again, right? Not that I even come close to having the balls to approach someone on the T yet... Approach someone in writing on Plenty Of Fish... No problem!! (Yes, Plenty Of Fish, the dating website with all fish themed references... Yeah, I've used it... I've dated a couple fish... I'm not ashamed... much...) But I digress...
In line with the unpredictability of what you're going to see on the T, just two hours ago, my coworker, Butters and I (yes, his last name is really Butters. No, he is not like the South Park character, however they DO share the same 9/11 birthday), hopped on the Red Line train after work. We sat down right across from two very, very, very attractive... VERY attractive... blond young women who were speaking a language I could only guess and/or truly wanted to believe was Swedish... I mean VERY... I was EXCITED!!... Hot Swedish girls riding public transportation in the afternoon?! Butters has a long time gf, so I had them both to myself. I mean this is the kind of scenario that only happens in zany 80's movies... right up my alley! I'll throw them my best "OhHi Eyes", they'll throw theirs back, we'll all hit it off, and then there will be a montage of the Swedes and me galavanting around Boston for the rest of the day doing things like taking a Duck Tour, catching the view from the top of the Pru, them picking me up from an adorable ice skating spill in Boston Common, pretending we're CHEERS characters at CHEERS, and catching a home run ball in the Monster seats...
Now, despite the extra love on my body that some might consider "handles", I've been told I'm good looking enough on a handful of occasions (By my mother AND my Memere AND an aunt who married into the family). Whether received warmly or creeped out, I can usually engage a women in a game of "OhHi Eyes" when I really try.
(Haaaa.... It's happening RIGHT now! Swear on my my mom's soul! I did't start it, but I TOTALLY just caught a girl... No time for "OhHi Eyes" right now, miss... I'm blogging!!!)
With this golden, Swedish opportunity in front of me, I flashed my best "OhHi Eyes" look at them (It's been described as a cross between Blue Steel and Bambi). I threw the bait out there about four times, but I just couldn't get these Swedish fish to bite! I couldn't get one of them to even glance in my direction. I was kind of shocked... They got off at the next stop and even deboarding, I got nuthin'! Maybe they were just too engrossed in their beautifully weird sounding Swedish conversation (it kinda sounded like, "Smorgen Burgen Borgin!..."). Maybe cute, but husky American guys just aren't good bait... Maybe my stained Patriots hooded sweatshirt, beat up jeans, and reusable Whole Foods bag full of gym clothes made me look like a hobo... Whatever it was, my "OhHi Eyes" confidence shaken, I couldn't help but think to myself that it was the middle "Maybe". Which made me glad that the very reason I was riding the T at that moment was because I was heading to my new lean muscle temple for PROJECT: Briles 200, Cutting Edge Fitness, where just a couple weeks ago my FitFit Sensei, Ann Marie, told me that when she was done with me, I was going to end up a "lady killer" (By which, I hope she's not referring to, like, Jack the Ripper, or anything... maybe I shouldn't be admitting to this whole "OhHi Eyes" thing... does this make me creepy? It does, doesn't it?...) A.M. absolutely killed me tonight in our second session, which is great because the sooner some of this weight comes off, the sooner I'm going to be able to put out better bait for my next game of "OhHi Eyes". Those Swedish fish don't know what they missed...
I apologize to all of you who thought this was going to be about candy...
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